Loosing It

You know this summer was pretty epic.  I had a blast with all my boys and there was also lots of drama.  I was talking to one of my friends or should I say my one friend (HaHa - no really) and telling her that I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment.  She had something very wise to say.  So why don't you loose it?  UmmK, at first my mind went to what that would look like to the world and basically it would be me playing the part of Joan of Arc taking on the world and going up in a blaze of fire one moment and the next me cowering in the corner saying, "My precious" while I stroked my lobotomized head.  That last bit too graphic? Yeah, it was for me too so I quickly moved on to ask my friend what she meant. Thinking that maybe she had a more sane approach to "loosing it".  Of course she did.  She said it's better to let go of all that emotion and show people you don't have it all together, especially your children.  She said, "How are they going to learn to deal with set backs, hurts and disappointments if you don't show them how you deal with it?"  Wow, that was so right on with me.  I'm the "Suck it up" queen.  I don't know how many times I've swallowed my sobs and tears to get moving on with life.  It really hit home when the Hulk said to me one day, "Mommy, do you cry?"  What? Well, yeah I think so, not recently but, ok not this year but that time when you..., ok I need to let them see my emotions more.  I've mostly been in "There's no crying in baseball" jobs where if you acted all "girlie" they would eat you alive.  Now I'm teaching my boys that girls don't cry?  They are either in for a very rude awakening or I'm going to have some serious throwdowns with the girls they choose.

So here's a couple of instances of the things I've sucked up this summer and how I really wanted to behave:

• Our first real "just our family" camping trip started off the summer and Batman had a pot of hot coffee explode in his face that had us at the ER; How I handled it: got irritated with my husband for doing that to himself (because that's so what he wanted to do), drove to the ER (which was actually surrounded by corn/soybean fields) with two stinky rowdy boys (I also may have been a little ripe) and a husband in serious pain, drove my husband to the campsite so he could drive home and rest, finished the camping trip; How I wanted to behave: Start crying instantly and panic because half his face was burned, end the camping trip NOW.
• My husband had a total hip replacement and to put it nicely, his pain wasn't managed well by the hospital doctors.  How I handled it:  I held back tears as my husband screamed in pain so I could find a doctor who would do something after an hour and a half of indecision; How I wanted to behave: WTF would someone please get a competent Dr. on this floor so my husband can stop going into shock (all the while screaming and cursing) and then melt on the floor in a puddle of tears and sobs.
• Watching the Hulk (my little one) walk away from me to get on the bus for Kindergarten.  How I handled it: Took video on my phone, told him to have a good first day, and went to work; How I wanted to behave: Start crying and hold him remembering when he was born.  Walk him hand in hand to school and be there for him when he got home.

Ok, so I'm admitting it now.  I'm a hot mess of emotions and I need to at least let them out on a more daily/weekly/monthly basis.  I recently decided that it was time to just sit and let most of those "Suck it up" moments from this summer go.  Thankfully, Batman understands me better than I do sometimes and he just hugged me and told me what I needed to hear.  Sometimes that is what it takes.  Someone just giving a crap about your crap for a second or two or more.  For those of you that need it to be said, stop sucking it up all the time and just take the moment you need.  Who cares if you don't have it all together, who said you had to anyway?  If you need a shoulder to lean/cry on, I'm willing to be there.