Deep Thoughts

Do you remember the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey skit on SNL?  If you don't then you either aren't old enough to remember or weren't allowed to watch SNL.  Remember those days when SNL was the "iffy" show.  Yeah, that ship has sailed.  My kids watch all kinds of crazy stuff from YouTube and the Cartoon Network that I swear someone is truly eating the "good" mushrooms.

I digress, my reason for bringing it up was those deep thoughts were so goofy and not really deep thoughts and I thought (deeply) that I have a few of those I could write.  Here goes:

• If you're kid says, "Hey Mom, watch this", you probably don't want to watch it and you may want to duck or brace for impact
• If you think what it looks like means it probably smells bad, then go with that gut feeling.  No need for the sniff test
• If it's hard to put on the 1st leg, don't bother with the 2nd, it really won't get easier
• Some things are best left unsaid.  If that's the case let your kiddo be the one to break the news.  They bounce back much faster
• Teaching your kids to start a fire and keep it going will only improve your chances of surviving the apocalypse
• If someone said your kid was "good" or a "natural" at something doesn't mean that they will be an olympic star and all the sacrifices will be worth it.  Don't get a big head about it.  Let the kid have fun at being a "natural", that's it
• Everything tastes better that's been cooked on an open fire.  EVERYTHING!
• 2 boys + water = someone else is wet

That's it for now.

It's been a while - ok two years!

So, I don't know how many times my husband has said to me, "Why aren't you writing in your blog" for the past two years, but I just couldn't.  As it is for many people, life just continues to stay complicated.  Blogging was a way for me to share some moments in life that I could look back on and remember, but right this very moment (past two years moment), I'm in the "people can kiss my ass if they don't like what I'm doing" phase, which is a phase that happens quite often and goes along with, "I don't have time to make sure my body language, attitude, and speech are politically correct" phase.  As I'm writing this, I realize that maybe it isn't a phase.  Yeah, it isn't.  So why should I blog about stuff I don't give a shit what other people think?  Yeah, that's why it's been two years.

So why am I writing now, because I need an outlet for all these feelings and sometimes other people need to read something like what I'm going through.  I know I have really enjoyed Beth Woolsey's blog Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/.  I would totally move to Oregon to be her long lost best friend, but I don't ever want to move again and I think I may seem like a stalker, which I would totally be fine with, but I don't want to ruin my kids' reputation.  Also, they have some friends and are liking the schools they're in (kinda) so might cause issues. Oh and not having a job could cause some problems like having to end up living in a yert.  I may have mentally gone down the road of moving to Oregon a little farther than is logical and normal right?  Again, no problems with being a stalker for the right reason.

Other reasons I haven't written is that I've felt mentally blocked.  Like constipation.  I know it's there wanting to come out, but it just sits there festering possibly becoming ugly and might hurt a little.  Maybe a gross analogy and thus the reason to let it stay blocked.  I've realized over the past two years and some therapy, that I have social anxiety.  God knows where I got it, whether it was the incessant bullying of my entire elementary and middle school years or having been in an occult that we don't talk about because it just brings up painful memories, but it's there.  It's not like the type of anxiety that makes me want to hide in a corner, my job is to deal with people all day so that would be awkward, but more in social situations anywhere but work.  Funny right?  Well not so funny, but you know, weird.  Anyway, I was on medication to help me deal with this for awhile, which it did work.  I felt less nervous, and really didn't give much of a shit what people thought.  But that was the issue, I no longer gave a shit.  I really liked the me that gave a shit about something.  Don't get me wrong, I was still able to have feelings, but it took the "edge" off enough that I was just fine being in the moment.  Well, that was awesome for two years because I was always that person over analyzing a situation (mole hill into mountain) and looking for the next thing our family can do, and try to be everything for everyone.  Oh did I mention I was angry about everything?  Yeah, pick a topic, I could get spun up about it. 

Then this year came around and I was done taking a pill.  Not that the pill wasn't helpful, it so was.  But I just wanted to feel passion again.  I was worried about stopping because of the anger, because the family definitely suffered when I was angry.  However, on my two year journey, I realized that most of my anger was pent up from me not wanting to show weakness that my feelings were hurt.  I wanted to be a strong person that could handle small humans saying mean things, and not getting bent out of shape because someone at work was rude or said something mean.  The anger comes from me not wanting to cry, ever.  Crying is not allowed in baseball or by me.  Yeah, so I've done some brain searching, I don't say soul searching because that wasn't the problem, it was those rules I'd made for myself in my brain.  Those ones suck and have no basis in my "now" reality, they are based on old wounds and experiences that happened when I was forming my sense of self. 

So here I am, age 41 (almost 42), and I realize my sense of self needs some major renovations.  Really?  I thought as I got older I would have this figured out.  I would be grayer but wiser and happier as a being.  Nope.  Good news for me is, I know now I can always re-invent, have a big burn party for the sense of self stuff that just needs to be burned into a fiery hot molten mess that can be hammered into something that gives me true strength instead of sadness and regret.  Does this mean my anxiety is gone?  Hell no - I still have diarrhea of the mouth when I meet new people, trying to tell them all about me so if they don't like me, they can be triaged that day versus wasting more time on a friendship.  I still have anger that wells up without my understanding why and I still have plenty of sense of self issues.  BUT, I've found this ability to look at them and see if it's worth it to keep going down the path.  I'm able to look at my anger sooner and try to realize why and where it's coming from.  I can explain to my kiddos that I need a moment or that their words have hurt me so I got angry because that's what I do when my feelings get hurt.  Is this ability always there when I need it, again Hell No.  But, it's there.  I'm hoping that means I've learned something.  Also, my passion and giving a shit are back.  That makes me happy, usually.

Here's to me posting some really funny, eloquent, and deepling interesting things in the near future or at least giving a shit to write something.

Carrying on the genes

There are many carrying on of genes to be celebrated when they get passed down.  A parent happy that their child wants to play the same sport they did or learning the same musical instrument, or having the same natural talent at something.  Well as you know I'm not the average bear so here's one of the genes I'm so happy my son, Incredible Hulk (IH) has carried on:

IH absolutely loves sticks.  There are other things he loves too, but sticks have a very tender spot in his heart.  When he looks at a stick he sees all the wonderful uses in the shape and form of the stick.  He also sees what it can become with a little ingenuity.  I happen to totally understand where he's coming from.  The right stick can make a hike become an epic journey.  The right stick can stop nettles from getting in your eye and poke at the cool slimy thing crawling on a rock that you're not quite ready to touch with your hand.  A stick can be used for defense or offense.  Anyway, sticks are cool.  I've found out at a very young age that not everyone appreciates sticks the way I do, so to find out my son loves them, makes me smile and feel all full up at the same time.  However, stick hoarding can erk other members of the family and I think IH would probably have a lot less sticks if it weren't for me.

This isn't the only tradition I'm proud of him for.  Today he made me giggle with glee.  He came inside and said he needed a paper bag and a marker.  This is what he wrote:

stiks 5 cents

Yes, he decided it was time to share his surplus of wonderful sticks and provide a service to the neighborhood.  His good friend, Green Lantern (neighbor boy - they have become good friends) was by his side to help with sales.  Of course as his Mom, I thought of him knocking on doors of neighbors I haven't met or that he might get his feelings hurt, but I decided this is a great moment that shouldn't be squashed.  I once was his age and decided the world needed the tiny agates (rocks) I would find and clean up.  I sold them for a penny each.  Not sure how many I sold, but I did sell some.  So, I didn't even do my hovering thing I'm so good at. He had taken his first step to understanding supply and demand and how to market a product.  His first step to becoming a productive member of society.  They were so determined, so eager, and so darn cute.  I'm not sure how many doors they knocked on, but they got to the end of the street.  He sold one stick and that was enough.  He is sure there are more people out there that need HIS sticks.

I think I might need one - he asked me if I did.  I'm sure I need a stick for something, right?

 

Kid Excerpts

Another excerpt from my superheros...

Hulk and Captain America are traveling together after a long hard day of saving the world.  They have been weakened by the toll of saving the day and their abilities to maintain their composure is waning...

Hulk: Give it back!
Captain America: How do you know it's yours?  It doesn't have your name on it.
Hulk: You KNOW it's mine.  I found it walking home from scho..I mean coming back from my important mission!
Captain America: If you catch it you can have it...

WHIP...SMAACK

Hulk:AHHHHHHHHH! You horrible person, I never want you in my life!  Why are you even ALIVE!
Captain America: OOOhhh, I didn't know it would hurt you!  AHHHHHHHH, why did you bite me?????? You have gone too far, I will give you the beating of your life!
Mom: (while driving) There will be consequences if I don't hear some apologies right NOW?

Mom's super sonic yell has made Hulk and Captain America realize their error.  For now the tempers have been neutralized by fear of impending doom.

 ~~~~~~~~~

An interesting conversation after coloring Easter eggs.... 

Hulk: I want to keep these forever.  I think they look so pretty.
Mom: Sorry buddy they can't be kept forever, we will need to eat them so they don't go bad.
Hulk: Why would they go bad, you cooked them?
Mom: Well even when stuff gets cooked eventually bacteria grows and makes it rotten.
Hulk: I'll just keep one, okay?
Mom: I'm sorry kiddo we have to either eat them or throw them away, I'd rather eat your wonderful creations.  We'll be sure to take a picture.
Hulk: I know! We can carefully scrape out the egg on the inside and I can keep the shell!
Mom: I'm sorry kiddo but that would only work if it was raw.
Hulk: Then why did you cook it??!!

Hmmmm...yeah why did I cook it and then do something where he has to destroy his passionate, thoughtful, creative artwork?

Mom: How about next year we try taking out the raw egg first and then coloring the eggs shells?
Hulk: Ooookaaay.

Whew....dodged the bullet until next year.  I'll have to do some practicing on getting raw egg out of an eggshell - I know it can be done, but do I really have the patience?  We'll see NEXT year HAHAHAHAHAHAH! (that's my "what in the world did I do to myself for next year laugh" which I know because I may have done this to myself before - awesome Christmas lights next year anyone?)

Hulk: I don't think we have to wait for Easter to come again to dye eggs.
Mom: thinking: CRAP! this kid is too smart - says - Hmmmm?

 

My conversation with an angel

I don't know if this is just a "me" thing or it happens to a lot of people but I have whole chunks of ideas/trains of thoughts/understanding the world processing that can go through my head in what seems like a split second or the time it takes to take a shower (a little longer than a second).  I know I'm not someone who fits into the group very easily so just bear with me if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

So today I had this particular process that came to me almost like it was a dream I had, accept I don't think I was sleeping when I "dreamed" this.  This dream was a discussion with an angel about God and how it all worked.  Here's how it went:

Me: So how does it all work anyway?
Angel: What do you mean?
Me: You know, what's the meaning of life and how does God keep this all straight?  How does it happen that some people die at certain times and other don't?
Angel: Ok, so you mean to tell me you don't have this figured out yet?
Me: Well, no not really, I mean I've read about all different ways it works and...Ok, what about cancer, how does that work? Why do some people get it and others don't?
Angel: I don't know
Me: What do you mean you don't know?
Angel: God doesn't sit down and decide who's going to get cancer and who's going to die of what - he doesn't have time for that silly stuff
Me: What do you mean silly?  Dying and suffering is a big deal?  Didn't God figure that out before we were even born?
Angel: God created energy and energy is always changing shapes and forms - didn't someone already explain this to you?
Me: Yeah, maybe, I might have missed exactly who that was...could you explain?
Angel: {sigh}Ok, here's the deal. So few humans who aren't dying can grasp this so you will probably walk away from this conversation and question it, but here goes...energy is God's wonderful creation.  It never dies.  It may change in intensity and form but doesn't stop existing.  Humans are made up of that energy.  God created humans to make their own decisions/choices and how humans live and die are based on all the decisions that were ever made from the beginning of God's energy.  No one can know (well except for God) when one particular human is going to die and why because it's made up of all the energy that has ever existed.
Me: So you're saying that there are so many variables within the energy that even God doesn't know how someone is going to die?
Angel: No, I'm saying the how doesn't matter because the energy will never truly die?
Me: Does that mean reincarnation in true?
Angel: Do you really want to try and understand this?
Me: Well, yeah, it might make it easier to accept all the heartbreaks that are going on?
Angel: Really, you think knowing what God knows would make it easier?
Me: I don't know I kind of thought so, but you're looking at me like I'm an idiot so maybe I don't know.
Angel: {sigh} Look, I know you're heart is really hurting right now for so many people that are dealing with loss and you think that figuring it out will somehow bring them comfort, but really that is not how it works.  Everyone has a different path that leads them to understanding.  Some may only find it in death and others understand it at a very young age.
Me: How do I know what to believe and tell others?
Angel: You already know the answer to that question don't you.
Me: Yeah, be the person that I want others to be, right?
Angel: You know what is right in your soul, just look there for answers instead of the creations of humans.  The energy that you hold in your soul, if you listen to it, will guide you.
Me: You know that sounds kind of hokey right?
Angel: Probably, but you asked me. I gotta get going.  I have a lot of work to get done.  Being an angel isn't just sitting around and smiling.  There are humans everywhere that are looking for answers.
Me: Oh, do you have this conversation a lot?
Angel: You can't even begin to imagine.  I'll see you around. {laughing} Get it the whole energy thing I was just talking about? Ok, just a little angel humor.
Me: Nice.  See you around.

Even after I've written down this "dreamed" conversation it doesn't have all the idiosyncrasies of the actual "dreamed" conversation.  I think the angel was more irritated with me because I didn't trust what my soul was saying to me about God.  It seems my soul has more knowledge of how everything works than I thought.  I wonder why I don't trust those thoughts more?  Why is it so easy to talk at God than have a conversation with him?  You know those people who only ask you questions so they can talk about what's going on with them?  Have I been doing that with God?  He's trying to show me how it works, or even better show me the way and I'm just telling him how my life is and how I think it works.  Makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. 

Well, that's what I got.  I guess I'll keep trying to be the person I want others to be. Still sounds sappy doesn't it.

Driving in Fog

Being a parent can sometimes be like driving in fog.  When I've driven in fog, it was usually  a road I've traveled many times before, but somehow it seems so foreign and more dangerous.  Because of the fog, I drive slower because my eyes are trying to pick up any familiarity and recognize the surroundings.  So I use this analogy because it seems lately that although I know my children (since before birth!) and we've traveled together many times before, they keep me ever watchful.  Gone are the days of living life on auto pilot and thinking things will work themselves out.  Of course, I have those days and when I shake loose of it, I have many "fires" to put out (thankfully not literally, so far).

As you can imagine, this rationale can also make me extremely uptight.  You would think that my kids have no fun, but thankfully that's not the case.  They certainly have their share of fun. I'm just glad that the thoughts that run through my head aren't visible in little bubbles over my head.  Ok, so where was I going with this.  Well, I realize that although I need to be ever vigilant, it is also important to listen to what life has to teach me.  I can't be just suddenly good at driving in fog.  It takes practice, someone willing to take over the wheel for awhile and a couple back seat drivers.  I want to share a couple conversations I've had lately with my back seat drivers:

This conversation was with Captain America after a vision therapy session that was not as successful as it could've been.  We were driving back through Mpls on the way to the burbs and CA really needed to get something off his chest:

CA: Mom, Kindness Club sucks and it's a total rip off!
Mom: Really, wow those are some strong words.  What makes you say that?
CA: They lied to us!  They said we would be doing fun things and we don't do anything fun.
Mom: I thought you liked it.  You said that it was fun.
CA: YeaAH, the first day!  Then they just started talking all the time.
Mom: I thought they said you guys would be doing fun activities.  Aren't you doing ANY fun activities?
CA:  They SAID it would be fun activities and all we do is talk, watch stupid movies, and sit around.  We watched a movie that talked about kindness boomerangs.  Guess what, we didn't even get to make real boomerangs.  That's dumb!  Why couldn't we make boomerangs?
Mom: Well maybe they didn't want someone getting hit with a boomerang because a real one would really hurt.
CA: No, it's dumb.  Timmy, Tommy, and Billy are with me on this one (names changed for many reasons).  I'm not sure about Hank (again, name changed), I think he is with me if I ask him.
Mom: Do you want to stop going to it?
CA: I'm not sure I can get out of this one Mom.
Mom: How about asking the teachers if you could do some fun activities?
CA: No, I tried that and they told me to sit down and that I could only say kind words.
Mom: How did you ask them?
CA: I just told them that it was boring and I didn't want to do it.
Mom: Maybe you should write some activities down that you think would be fun and then ask the teachers what they think.
CA: I don't know, I think the teachers don't want us to do anything but sit around and say kind words.
Mom: I thought kindness club was coming up with kind things to do for other people.
CA: Yeah, me too but that's not what it is at all and IT'S A RIP OFF!!!

This conversation made me think about what it's like to see things through kids eyes.  I remember going to some sort of version of Girl Scouts and thinking it was a rip off.  I joined it because I wanted to hang out with other girls who liked camping, fishing, running, jumping, screaming, and pretty much all things outside.  What it turned out to be was craft making (inside), singing (inside), and baking (inside).  I don't remember how I got out of it, but I don't think I did it for long.  Captain America is a service kind of kid.  Have you seen the movie UP?  If you haven't, you should.  If you have, you will know something about my CA.  I guess he has to go through these things to learn how to jettison the stuff that doesn't hold up to his ideals.  So I'm driving through fog figuring out how I'm going to tell a group of teachers that their Kindness Club is a total rip off.

On to my Incredible Hulk:
This conversation was one that was, again, in the car.  Hulk is really good at story telling (I think I've mentioned this before).  I love having a conversation with him where anything goes (at this age I don't have to worry that it will get past the G rating).  Here it is:

Hulk: Mom, can you talk to the cat?
Mom: Yes, she says you need to stop talking potty talk.
Hulk: She's the one that keeps telling me what to say.
Mom: Really, I'm going to have to talk with her.  I thought she was a good kitty.
Hulk: Oh she is, but I tell her I'm not going to listen to her when she says potty talk and she said she'd stop.  Did you know that I'm a cat?
Mom: Oh you are?
Hulk: Well, I'm really not a little cat, I'm a saber tiger.
Mom: Really, why can't I see your fur?
Hulk: Because I only change at night.  That's when it sticks out of my skin.
Mom: Doesn't that hurt?
Hulk: No!  I slowly change.
Mom: Oh, like a werewolf?
Hulk: Yeah, like that.  I help keep monsters out of the house.
Mom: I thought that was George's (our very large yellow lab) job
Hulk: No, he's become very lazy and can't hear over his snoring
Mom: Oh, I'm going to have to talk to George about that
Hulk: No, leave him alone, he's old and needs a break from fighting monsters.
Mom: Do monsters come in our house?
Hulk: No, I go out to the garage and eat them before they get in.  Then I go up to your bed to sleep.  That's why I come to your bed every night.
Mom: Oh, that makes sense now.  You just need a rest from eating all those monsters and our bed is closer.
Hulk: Yeah, that's why.
Mom: Well thank you for eating all the monsters I really appreciate it.
Hulk: You're welcome.

This conversation was really fun because we both were in on the joke.  Hulk's beautiful brown eyes lit up when he knew I knew but I kept up the story.  We both love to have those fun stories together and this time as with many other times, we giggled at each other.  So driving through the fog while telling fantastical stories can really help it not seem so daunting a task and a wonderful adventure of the mind.

My boys are great companions while parenting in this fog called life.
 

Some Snarkiness

How is it that life can move so fast?  Just yesterday I was wearing shorts and having fun in the sun and now Thanksgiving is over and the Christmas lists have started!  I haven't blogged in a while partly because I have been overwhelmed with life and it's many twists and turns and partly because I've been kinda crabby about those twists and turns.  Just so you know crabby=deep dark thoughts that don't do anyone any good.  So I've come out of the crabby phase and thought that maybe a snarky blog would be fun and because basically that's what's rolling around in my head.  By the way, snarky is much better than deep dark (in case you start reading this and think snarky is too much).

So what's snarky?  I'll tell you:

I've come to realize that watching your kids run around like maniacs and refereeing these antics don't equal actual exercise.  Yeah, who knew?  Well I sure didn't, because I'm just as tired as though I'd been running at least a half marathon.  In fact, I think I would be less tired running a half marathon.  So when did I have this realization?  I'm sure you already know the answer but here it is: putting on my pants.  Yep, you knew it didn't you.  I can only tell myself the pants have shrunk in the wash so long.  Also, I'm not a fan of tight and uncomfortable, I'll leave that up to the teenagers/younger adults who haven't figured out yet that tight and skimpy has repercussions such as constipation and frostbite.  Anyway, this realization stirred me to subject my husband to yet another of my great ideas.  A new gym membership!  He actually is pretty happy with the idea, but then again he just thinks about getting into shape and it seems his body responds, mine goes into hibernation.  Along with this membership came some free personal trainer sessions.  I was very excited about this.  I've never had one of those sessions and thought it would be very beneficial.  They were very beneficial and I learned new things about the way I'm eating and how to exercise more productively.  Ok, that aside, these people have no idea what it's like to be a working mom, have an erratic schedule, and live within a budget!  So here's some reasons I think personal trainers and their "healthier you" suggestions don't live on my planet:

1. I believe if I took all the suggested supplements for a healthier me, I would smell like a vitamin and look like one too.
2. Whey protein drinks are not tasty.  They are like a shot of Tequila: tough to get down, may cause a little of the gag reflex, and you may regret what you say afterwards.
3. Exercising "at least 3 times a week" is a pipe dream.  Unless exercising between 9pm-12am  and not being able to sleep until 2 am counts as healthy.
4. Trainer: "What does your routine look like?" ; Me: Silence, "I'm not sure what you're asking".
5. After speaking at length about my work schedule and how my husband's rotates every other week. Trainer: "Do you think you could make it to the gym during the day?"; Me: "Hmmm, I think we talked about this already" more silence.
6. Trainer: "I'm going to give you some exercises you can do anywhere, even at work.  So you will want to have a really large ball for some of these."  Really?  at work?  with children?
7. They suggested that I figure out my goals and they would design a plan that could work around my schedule.  My goals are simple, loose weight and look great!  My schedule....hmmm....what can we do in 5 minutes?
8. Trainer: "You can get a really good one-on-one training/health assessment/be the best you can be at everything for only $250 a month".  Me: {thinking in my head} yes and I could also make a car payment on a Lexus for that much and pretend I don't have kids.  Out loud, "I don't believe that is in the budget".

I'm sure I could come up with more snarkiness but I'll leave it there.  To be fair, the personal trainers were very nice and have done their very best to work with me.  The truth is that I'm just as alien to them as they are to me.  How could someone be so naive about how much time and effort and determination it takes to have a great body?  Yep, that's me.  I believe if I wish it, it should come true.  Well, that's what I'd like to believe because reality is really just too annoying.  Anyway, that's what I got.