Class Reunion Milestone

Ok, so even getting older means there are milestones.  Milestones are great when you are little and everyone cheers you on.  There aren't so many cheering when you hit milestones after 30.  I know being an adult means that you hold yourself up and do it yourself.  We are always teaching our kids those lessons and we want them to be DIY adults.  Even though I know all that, it can still be a little frightening when those milestones come around.

Case in point.  I recently had my 20 year class reunion.  I have to say that when I graduated high school I had no intention of EVER going back.  That time in my life was full of decisions I had made or circumstances that surrounded me that made me want to run like the wind and never look back.  So even thinking about going to the reunion made me wonder at my sanity and my thought process.  As the day got nearer, I started to feel panicky and I wanted to bail.  Thankfully my husband was supportive and told me that it really wasn't something to panic about.  The day of the reunion, I thought I didn't have anything to wear (why do I always fall back on that excuse?).  As I'm at the store, trying on I don't know how many jeans that all seemed to be made for a body style that isn't mine (even though the tag AND the sign said curvy, waist below the natural waist, and no gap).  I was in the dressing room looking at a disaster when it occurred to me, these people I haven't seen in 20 years don't give a @%$% about what I'm wearing.  They will either like me or not, just like high school.  So I gathered up my stuff and my dignity and came home a happier person.  It was a turning point for me.  Of course I was nervous and still had my heart in my throat when I arrived but it was OK.  Yep, there were people there that either liked me or they didn't.  I had a good time talking to the one's that either liked me or did a good job pretending and hearing about their lives.  At the end of the evening, I went to a B&B with my husband who I know truly loves me and I had a great weekend.

So why am I writing about this?  Because it seems the milestones in life, no matter what age, can be scary, exhilarating, and flat out hard to face, but I walk away from them with more knowledge in my head about who I am and where I stand as a person.  So what did I learn?  Living in the past is exhausting.  I not only thought about all the blunders, all out gaffs, people I hurt , hurt me or how I hurt myself, I also had to keep up with what's going on present day.  It's so much easier to live right now!  I walked away that night with the promise of some renewed friendships from high school and the knowledge that no matter how life twists and turns, what mistakes I've made or will make, it's still a good idea to be me and not what I think people want me to be.  The hardest part about all that is to accept myself as I am.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

I'm working on it...

The Ardent Explorers Episode 1

We are back to check in on our super heroes Captain America and Incredible Hulk.  They have been dueling in epic battles and are back in their fortress known as "The Basement" for some training exercises....

Hulk: "Captain America it is important that we keep up our skills so that we can fight the evil forces, lets hit each other with swords"
CA: "OK, I am much taller than you so I'm going to win every time.  That's OK though because it will teach you lessons."
Hulk: "No, no, you're not supposed to hit me so hard!  Wait, wait, let me find a shield.  I forgot to get that!"
CA: "In battle you must use what you can find, I'm much stronger so you better watch out!" "OWW, why did you throw that!" "You little squirt, you'll pay for that!"
Hulk: "I'm using what I found in battle!" "You can use your shield, that didn't hurt right?"
CA: "Too late now, you're going to feel the fury of Captain America!"
Hulk: "AAHHHHH, MOM, I'm telling Mom!!"

There is a break in the training to inspect wounds and go over the rules of engagement with fellow heroes versus with the enemy (Invisible Evil Forces).  All harms have been acknowledged and the super heroes have decided that training out in the open would be advisable (per Mom's request/requirement).  The action continues....

Hulk: "We should build a trap for the Evil Conqueror.  Let's dig a hole at the bottom of the stairs.  Then when he comes down he will fall right in and be swallowed up!  I will find sharp sticks to put at the bottom.
CA: "Yes, that's great!  I'll dig it 100 feet to the center of the Earth and then he can never get out!"
Hulk: "Let's put rocks in it too!  They will be sharp and hurt his feet!"

Sometime later....

Hulk: "Mom, I have something for you to see.  Will you come here?  {Loud Whispering}CA let's have Mom test it out.  If she falls in, it's perfect for the Evil Conqueror!  Hide, hide she's coming.  Get behind this toy truck, she won't see us!"
CA: "MOM, are you coming?"

Will the trap that they have created for the Evil Conqueror be just what they need?  Will they unwittingly injure their greatest ally? 

Find out next time in Episode 2 of The Ardent Explorers.   

Loosing It

You know this summer was pretty epic.  I had a blast with all my boys and there was also lots of drama.  I was talking to one of my friends or should I say my one friend (HaHa - no really) and telling her that I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment.  She had something very wise to say.  So why don't you loose it?  UmmK, at first my mind went to what that would look like to the world and basically it would be me playing the part of Joan of Arc taking on the world and going up in a blaze of fire one moment and the next me cowering in the corner saying, "My precious" while I stroked my lobotomized head.  That last bit too graphic? Yeah, it was for me too so I quickly moved on to ask my friend what she meant. Thinking that maybe she had a more sane approach to "loosing it".  Of course she did.  She said it's better to let go of all that emotion and show people you don't have it all together, especially your children.  She said, "How are they going to learn to deal with set backs, hurts and disappointments if you don't show them how you deal with it?"  Wow, that was so right on with me.  I'm the "Suck it up" queen.  I don't know how many times I've swallowed my sobs and tears to get moving on with life.  It really hit home when the Hulk said to me one day, "Mommy, do you cry?"  What? Well, yeah I think so, not recently but, ok not this year but that time when you..., ok I need to let them see my emotions more.  I've mostly been in "There's no crying in baseball" jobs where if you acted all "girlie" they would eat you alive.  Now I'm teaching my boys that girls don't cry?  They are either in for a very rude awakening or I'm going to have some serious throwdowns with the girls they choose.

So here's a couple of instances of the things I've sucked up this summer and how I really wanted to behave:

• Our first real "just our family" camping trip started off the summer and Batman had a pot of hot coffee explode in his face that had us at the ER; How I handled it: got irritated with my husband for doing that to himself (because that's so what he wanted to do), drove to the ER (which was actually surrounded by corn/soybean fields) with two stinky rowdy boys (I also may have been a little ripe) and a husband in serious pain, drove my husband to the campsite so he could drive home and rest, finished the camping trip; How I wanted to behave: Start crying instantly and panic because half his face was burned, end the camping trip NOW.
• My husband had a total hip replacement and to put it nicely, his pain wasn't managed well by the hospital doctors.  How I handled it:  I held back tears as my husband screamed in pain so I could find a doctor who would do something after an hour and a half of indecision; How I wanted to behave: WTF would someone please get a competent Dr. on this floor so my husband can stop going into shock (all the while screaming and cursing) and then melt on the floor in a puddle of tears and sobs.
• Watching the Hulk (my little one) walk away from me to get on the bus for Kindergarten.  How I handled it: Took video on my phone, told him to have a good first day, and went to work; How I wanted to behave: Start crying and hold him remembering when he was born.  Walk him hand in hand to school and be there for him when he got home.

Ok, so I'm admitting it now.  I'm a hot mess of emotions and I need to at least let them out on a more daily/weekly/monthly basis.  I recently decided that it was time to just sit and let most of those "Suck it up" moments from this summer go.  Thankfully, Batman understands me better than I do sometimes and he just hugged me and told me what I needed to hear.  Sometimes that is what it takes.  Someone just giving a crap about your crap for a second or two or more.  For those of you that need it to be said, stop sucking it up all the time and just take the moment you need.  Who cares if you don't have it all together, who said you had to anyway?  If you need a shoulder to lean/cry on, I'm willing to be there.